i think i needed this.

i don’t think i could truly know how much i’ve grown without actually having to face this head-on. i could guess i had grown based on the new outlook on life i’d attained over the past few years. however, i wouldn’t have known for sure if i wasn’t put in a similar heart-breaking situation to those i had experienced in the past, and if i didn’t choose to react differently this time. especially in how i speak to myself. for starters, i was much more careful going into it this time around. i didn’t just throw my heart into things because i’ve learned from the past to be more cautious. to be more skeptical of others’ intentions because you never know for certain what the other person is thinking. i wanted to be certain before i took the leap. but there’s no way to be certain with a risk this big. and i had to learn that i can take the leap, risk my heart, and it’ll be okay on the other side if it doesn’t go the way i wanted. and the only way i could’ve known this for sure? is by living through it not going the way i wanted.

funny enough, i said to him one of the times we hung out how i have this not-so-nice relationship with my old self, particularly college-me and her early 20s counterpart. because i’m ashamed of who i was and what i valued. – i wont be able to thank him now for dropping this 34-year-old wisdom on me but i am still thankful – he said: “oh yeah, if only you could know everything you know now from living through all your experiences up to 28 back when you were 20” — it was so obviously impossible, it made me finally grasp how college-me was really doing the best with what she had and what she knew at the time.

& i think i can speak for myself, that i always am.

— written 3/14/25