“Shannon & Guest”

I received a wedding invitation addressed to “Shannon & Guest.” I guess I forgot people receive mail addressed like that… or really I forgot I could ever receive mail addressed like that. It’s been just “Shannon B…” forever. The addition definitely brought up something I try very hard, and lately successfully, to ignore. Like it’s always in my peripheral vision and the goal is to keep it blurry and out of focus, because focusing on “Guest” really just means focusing on the absence of “Guest.”

And I just want to be clear that seeing “Guest” on the envelope actually felt really GOOD. It spurred a weird realization that a key part of who I am is my singularity, and seeing “Guest” on the envelope next to my name actually made me think someone believes I could one day have a “Guest.” That’s probably a pathetic way of thinking but there’s never been a “Guest” so if we’re going based on odds, there probably won’t be one in the near future either.
Anyway, believe it or not I did not start writing this to complain about being single… I wanted to talk about that for maybe the first time in my life I can’t picture “Guest.” I used to easily be able to fill the image of “Guest” with whoever I was pining over at the moment. But, wow, it’s been so long since I’ve felt anything romantic for anyone, I genuinely don’t know what I would want in a “Guest.” What could “Guest” add to my life at this point that I would actually value and appreciate and want to keep around? I keep meeting guys whose personalities loudly answer those questions with, “nothing.”
What qualities could “Guest” have that I would enjoy being around, but also feel comfortable being myself around? How could I ever feel more comfortable with “Guest” than I am by myself?

I’m convinced there is not a man out there who sees the world the same way I do. And if there is, I honestly do not want to meet them because the chance of him wanting to be with me, to be “Shannon’s Guest,” is even more unlikely.

— written on 6.3.2024